Random Mumbling

Still Just Another Bunch of @#!&

Here is a running bit of drivel from just another garageband. We keep adding nonsense to it, but you probably won’t notice because the crap just blends together.

The opinions here do not belong to anyone. We found them just laying about. (But if you find them really offensive….please complain to the media – we’d love the publicity.)

From our Mailbag: We’ve had some questions from fans coming from the contact page on our website. Here is a quick selection with what just might be our answers.

Where did you learn to play your instruments?

It’s not clear we ever did learn. But we picked up what we know from each other, friends and just playing. Our style could be called ‘early primitive’.

When did you begin playing in bands and what were they?

Well…RJ has been around for a while – and he certainly looks it. Ralph and Fritz have been in a few other bands, but this is the first for Attila. And it certainly sounds like it. You wouldn’t know any of the bands because they never got much further than the garage (or basement in most cases). A few gigs along the way, but largely just playing for our own entertainment. The music ranged from rock and roll to blues to more jazzy stuff, with some country thrown in for variety. Nothing too complicated, but that’s because we’d be lost.

Your recorded music seems to be home made. Will you ever go into a studio and release a professional CD?

I thought even CDs were ancient history at this point. But you are perceptive – the music sounds rough because they are basement recordings mixed by a tone deaf rookie. It doesn’t help that we generally only do a couple of takes and then just use the ‘best’ one. I’m not sure a studio would make us sound that much better. Studios don’t give you the missing talent. But we won’t say never. Our problem right now is just getting together. Since the pandemic we’ve mostly been in different parts of the country and the logistics are not simple – Zoom doesn’t work well for us for jamming.

Are you still writing new music?

Yes and no. Depends on the day you ask. So it’s very very slow. Not sure we’ll have anything new to post before your kids are in high school. (And that’s assuming you don’t have kids yet.)

Where can we hear you live?

Even we can’t hear ourselves lie right now. We are having problems getting together at all. But even if we get over that problem, we’d still need much practice to find any gigs. And as our name and CDs suggest, even when we’re together we really are confined to our basements and garages.

How old are you?

What the hell kind of question is that? Old enough to know we should be doing other things by now. But, if you look at our bio page you can see we’re spread out – from younger to much older. And, of course, any specific answer will be out of date by the time you read it.

How did you come up with the name Just Another Garageband?

Have you listened to our stuff? What does it sound like?

Is your website a music site or a comedy site?

Are you implying that our music is a joke…or, that we’re trying to be funny?

What do you do when you aren’t playing?

Lay about mostly. Or dabble at our day jobs. Couldn’t support ourselves on this stuff. Day jobs aren’t great for that either, but at least it’s something.

What’s your favorite color?

Forty-two. And what kind of question is that? Are we back in the 1960’s?

How did the band get together?

Well, we’re all related so we’ve known each other for a while. So far we haven’t regretted it. The relation or the band.

Will you ever tour?

Would anyone or anyplace ever have us?

What’s your best experience playing in the band?

There have been a few times we’ve played a song all the way through without major mistakes. That’s always a thrill.

What do you hope to accomplish with the band?

Sell our story to Hollywood, make a bazillion bucks and retire. But we’ll probably just have to retire and pick berries to survive.

Who is your favorite band?

If you read our site you’d know. Lots of detail on the site. Just drink it all in, but in moderation – we wouldn’t want you getting sick.

Where do you live?

In buildings, not caves, regardless of what you’ve heard. Beyond that I have to ask why you want to know. You coming to get us? That’s a scary question.

What’s the worst gig you ever played?

I don’t know. What’s the difference between a banana? Non questions, both.

Who created Super Sewer Man, when and why?

Our old pal SSM was created by RJ in Junior High (yes, that long ago) for amusement. He would work on it during class time to keep his mind occupied. And, to save the world. He doesn’t have any of the original work – the teachers kept confiscating them. (But then he’d just do more during detention.)

What is your favorite Super Sewer Man episode?

Gotta be the battle with the Kardiosaurs. Still don’t like those critters.

How many instruments can you guys play?

Usually just one at a time.

Do you guys all get along well?

Yes, except for when we piss each other off.

——— ——— ——— ———

Lyrics from our songs that express our philosophy:

It’s hard to look cool when you’re waiting for a bus

You say there’s a special place in hell for me, but it’s better than the one next to you

Why do I always get the dragon?

Yesterday he was a dad. Yesterday he mattered. Yesterday he held a job. Now his dreams are shattered.

So you see, it’s not just me losing my grip on reality

Over forty, they will rank you last. Graying wisdom is a thing of the past

Please Mr. Government, protect me from myself

….sane as the rest of us….

Observations just for the hell of it….

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people outright giddy?

Hmmm. Looks to me like Shit Creek is over flood stage.

If someone published a book on mathematics, how much do you think they could get for the movie rights?

If you don’t want strangers using your Wi-Fi hotspot, try naming it “Virus Detected”

We don’t need more politicians in the next election. We need more adults.

Brains are awesome – I wish everyone had one

If you can’t laugh at yourself let me do it for you

Today has been cancelled. Go back to bed

Hey customer service! If my call is so important to you why am I still on hold? (…Or are your products just so shitty that you could never have enough staff to handle the load?)

I love being placed on hold. The music is so nice I could listen to it all day. Sometimes, when necessary, I do.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

People full of themselves are generally full of shit.

Note to all politicians: Don’t get a big head because you were elected. Very wise people have said ‘The cream might rise to the top, but shit floats too’.

Money is the root of all.

Survey says: 10 out of 9 people love Just Another Garageband!

Why does it seem these days that every celebrity’s or politician’s belch is considered newsworthy by one media outlet or another.

Crappy diem! That about says it all for today.

Socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living. Not a problem these days. But, for the over examined life just check out any random Facebook page.

Dateline Florida. February 2 (Groundhog Day): The Miami groundhog saw his shadow this morning. 52 more weeks of summer.

Please stay back! I’m allergic to bullshit!

I’m not really arrogant. I’ve just come to realize I’m no worse than anyone else. Like Firesign Theater once said, We’re all bozos on this bus.

I just heard that the word “whatever” is considered the most irritating in the English language. If you don’t want to hear it, then do us both a favor and shut up! …Whatever.

Makes sense to me (I’ve actually heard this and other crap like it): “As effective change agents, we must benchmark our pre-conceived paradigms with concrete data-points to identify actionable gaps between our baseline metrics and our target goals. Through synergistic outside-the-box ideation we will create a silver bullet and prioritize around any low-hanging fruit. We can then game-plan and align our resources to upgrade our core competencies, and, where necessary re-engineer our processes and functions to effect optimal overall performance. Our main concerns must be having the bandwidth to obtain critical mass. This means keeping everyone out of the weeds and focused on the primary strategy.” Gotta love it. …Maybe.

Health freaks will feel like fools someday. Lying in a hospital bed dying of absolutely nothing.

God made the earth. Everything else is made in China

My days are numbered. I’m on 18,552 with no end in sight

Saw a sign today: On this spot in 1901 absolutely nothing happened.

Is it true the Flat Earth Society has members around the globe?

Did you ever notice that the people that want you to calm down are the same ones that pissed you off in the first place?

Definition of oversupply: So many idiots, so few villages

Hey Trump! You want Fake News? Just look at the weather forecast.

Rules are wonderful things – I love them. Where else can you get such satisfaction as when you break them.

He speaks his mind. …In other words, he should be a man of few words.

I do not need anger management classes. YOU NEED SHUT THE HELL UP CLASSES

Go ahead, MAKE MY MORNING! (My afternoon is already booked.)

When I die, I want the people I worked with to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time

Waking up in the morning takes lots of practice. And clearly I need much more. I’m still not very good at it

Stupidity is an equal opportunity employer.

Politics, politics, politics, politics, politics. There. It’s all politics, but I said it.

And once again, Kanye reminds us that music is nothing if not a competitive sport.

I hope divine punishment is real. I have a list….

Government needs adult supervision. And a HUGE diaper for all the crap they create.

If you fail your Walmart test, do you get a position in the TSA?

Sign on desk: You don’t have to be crazy to work here. We will train.

And, of course, the rednecks all support LGBT rights: The right to Liquor, Guns, Beer, and Tobacco.

Political Correctness is just a politically correct way of saying Censorship.

It has been said that no man becomes a fool until he stops asking questions. But sometimes only a fool keeps asking such stupid questions.

And I’ve also heard there are no foolish questions. Really? Have you listened to congressional hearings? …or journalists’ interviews?

So…if we have signing for the deaf, is color commentary for the blind. (yes, I know it’s an old one.)

Most of the US Congress are lawyers. Most of the Chinese Politburo are engineers. Ever wonder why they’re catching up so fast?

If weather reporting were a competitive sport, would they all lose?

What if everyone really did get 15 minutes of fame. Would we all lose interest? And, if so, would those coming later still be famous? And, if not, did the first part actually happen? And if so……..

I really admire those who can read the complex Chinese script – not just understanding the text, but knowing which ones are real characters and which are just dead spiders.

Apparently you don’t need a turn signal – YOU know where you’re going!

16th Century Himalayan Wisdom:
The person who knows everything, won’t speak.
The person who speaks, knows nothing.
Hmmmm….I said, the person who sp…    excuse me!
….Can I just…    Excuse me!     Hello!
Are you listening?
Jeez, take a breath already.   …Hello?    Hello?

What I most like about the 140 character twitter messages is it lets superficial people express themselves completely.

Is it true the bird on the Twitter logo is a Cuckoo?

I get all my news from advertisements on the internet. …I’m doing much better and should be out of the hospital soon.

How do you know you found a likeness of God in your toast? Do you have his photo?

The programmers gave my computer a woman’s voice
And it told me to ask it anything.
So I said, “Siri, What is the difference between a duck?”
And now my computer won’t talk to me anymore

Taxes may be high, but wouldn’t it be a nightmare if we got all we paid for!

The television news folks tell us they are on OUR side …..Unless, of course, WE are today’s story.

Where did this country go wrong? ….Probably trying to make a hard left and hard right at the same time.

In the US we have freedom of speech. Although those who exercise it the most might benefit from giving their ignorance a lower profile.

In the new Russia we can also say what we think. Thank goodness the government lets us know what that is.

I love that the US had a black president. It shows that race is truly not an issue. He was just as inept as the other guys.

The critics are raving! No kidding – it’s what they do. …and frothing at the mouth, twitching wildly and twisting they pointy little heads 360 degrees

Hey! These guys sound just like beetles. No, not the band. Cockroaches.

Me: I think one of my vocal chords is out of tune. Critic: No, I think one might be in tune. It’s the rest that bother me.

I love the cute and pithy sayings people post online. I print them off, roll them up tightly and use them in my fireplace.

I just saw a report that said it has been determined that each of us really does have Neanderthal DNA from early hominid interactions. …Well, that explains a lot. As for me, it’s my new excuse: I can’t fight it, folks, it’s in my DNA!

Yesterday I heard that over the past century, the mortality rate has improved greatly. ??? Hmmm. I thought it was still 100%.

Good health is merely the slowest way to die. (10 out of 10, folks. One way or another.) So, you all can go ahead and run for miles and eat oats and alfalfa. For me, my vices are my friends.

RJ’s first rule: Everything will be improved until it no longer works.

RJ’s second rule: At some level, everything is toxic. In the wrong location, everything is a weed. At some times, everything is an interruption.

You probably won’t live past 100. So relax, let it go. Enjoy what you’ve got while you’ve got it.

Ahhh, Royalty …and the dangers of in-breeding. (If Prince Charles and Camilla had a child, would it be eligible for the Kentucky Derby?)

Why is it that just when we are ready to berate ourselves for insensitively thinking someone is an idiot …..they open their mouths, and…. …need I say more.

If we laid all the lawyers in the world end to end ….that wouldn’t be a bad thing.

So, how could a howling pack of lawyers improve medical practice? For starters, we could use them as lab rats.

Why did they invent the wheelbarrow? To teach lawyers, politicians, bureaucrats and journalists to walk on their hind legs. (Any success yet?)

Why don’t sharks eat lawyers? Professional curtesy. Why don’t lawyers eat sharks? They’re bottom feeders.

Lawyers – in their defense I still say they’re the smartest things on 4 legs.

As a wise old friend of mine told me, there are really only three lawyer jokes. …The rest are true stories. (And I find it ironic that all my lawyer jokes come from lawyers.)

You can’t make this up: A dark stretch of highway just outside a town in northern Wisconsin received a set of street lights from the state Department of Transportation. At taxpayer expense, of course. However, the town does not have enough revenue to afford keeping the lights lit. So the DOT is now removing the light poles with unlit lights as a driving hazard. At taxpayer expense, of course. Brilliant!

New government study shows that people with claustrophobia do not react well to being trapped in elevators. (What this world needs are more government studies.)

The latest from Washingtoon DC – congress believes they need a pay raise. We agree they should be paid what they’re worth. The invoice will be in the mail.

ATTILA for President! How worser could it get?

“Twas the night …”

It was the night before daybreak and what do you know

In stumbled Santa with his ho in tow

A few nips in his belly and more on his mind

He cried “Christ what a night, I gotta unwind”

But odd as this was, the worst was to come

As the arthritic old elf fell flat on his bum

He screamed at his wife to bring him a beer

But passed out cold before she ever got near

While he was asleep we put his hand in a pan

A pan with warm water, and away we did scram

He awoke with a start and screamed with surprise

His pants were so wet and his eyes so wide

We thought he’d have a stroke right in front of our eyes

His rage was so great he bellowed and cried

But we couldn’t hear much he might have said

We were convulsed with laughter for he’d also crapped in his sled

It’s always awkward when…

A very noisy room gets quiet immediately when you walk in

Your pass doesn’t work in the company security system, your computer is locked, and your boss has a note in your cube asking to see you.

You follow a police car on the way home ….and it pulls into your driveway.

Your neighbors have a block party and you are the only one not invited.

You bump an urn, it falls and breaks. It turns out to be your father in law’s ashes. (And the cat thinks it’s her new litter box)

You really need a pill from a ‘child-proof’ bottle, but a child is not handy to open it for you.

You tell someone a wicked joke and then realize they resemble the punch line. …And then you notice it dawned on them too.

That woman you’ve been making suggestive remarks about to your work friend comes over and greets him – it’s his wife.

The judge greats you by name. And he’s not a friend, relative or neighbor.

You are interviewing for a job and tell a joke that has to be explained.

You explain the joke and still see a humorless blank stare. You try again to explain the…(YOU IDIOT! AT SOME POINT JUST GIVE UP!)

You find matchbooks in your coat pocket …from places you’ve never been. And you don’t smoke. I hate it when that happens (and it has).

You read the celebrity birthday announcements in the news and realize you haven’t even heard of anyone under 30. (This is getting too common for my own comfort.)

At night, animals get into a fight behind your house. The next day the neighbors ask if your band was practicing.

Your band is practicing and the police receive complaints from the bus barns and the local industrial companies. (This has happened too.)

Have you noticed:

TV still manages to get some programming in between the commercials
In today’s 24 hour news cycle, 10 minutes of real news is followed by 23 hours and 50 minutes of reruns
It is getting more difficult to tell real news and fake news apart – both look like they come from the tabloids
Why do they call them “talk shows” when the people on talk shows don’t talk – they yell
If most of the day is wasteland, but there are only 2 good shows on, they are opposite each other.
TV has become weird – since when did aliens – ancient or otherwise – become history? (History Channel – rename thyself!)
As for “reality” shows, who, in reality, actually behaves that way?!

I wish I were a dog because

I would not be a cat.
I would also not be a slimy fish or a stupid bird.
I could sleep and play all day and everyone would just think it is “cute”
No job. No responsibilities. No money worries. Just long naps and tummy rubs.
I never have to apologize for anything – even when I throw up on my owners bed.

I’m glad I’m not a dog because:

In winter, the bathroom is outside and not heated
And in summer…come on! I’m wearing a fur coat for cripes sakes!
Kibble? Are you kidding me?!
When their people leave they freak. “Where are you going? Will you be back?! Where’s something I can tear up?
They recognize each other by smelling their butts. ’nuff said.

Truth – served raw…

I was in a restaurant the other day

The menu advertised boneless chicken

As a joke I ordered brainless chicken

Without a pause the waitress said, Sorry sir, we only serve boneless chicken here

If you want brainless chickens, our main office is in California

Famous Last Words:

Hey! Let’s look in this creepy cave…
Is this edible?
Well… I thought those eggs looked strange
The best way to learn to swim is just jump in the deep end
I can’t see what I’m trying to fix here. Can you turn the electricity back on for just a sec……
I measured this bungee cord myself
I’m so exited. They even let me pack my own parachute!
Wow! That’s some drop. But I’ll bet I can make that jump.
I saw this stunt in the movies! Watch this!

5 Reasons to quit your job

5 You are not paranoid, they really are after you

4 If you quit you get a party. If you wait to be fired, you just leave with a box of your stuff

3 A volunteer job may not pay, but you’ll be appreciated

2 You know everything about your job. They know nothing. It will be so much fun to watch them realize that.

1 If you stay, that’s not really just your desk and chair. It’s also going to be your death bed.

5 Reasons not to quit your rotten job

5 Don’t think of it as a paycheck – think of it as a fine on the company for subjecting you to this bullshit

4 What will you do all day? Sleep may be over-rated, but it’s more relaxing at your desk

3 You may be able to survive on cat food, but what will the cat eat?

2 Your boss may be aggravating. But you probably drive her crazy too. Think of it as a game of revenge and just enjoy their aggravation.

1 You’d miss the entertainment provided by the blithering blundering boobs in management.

(And a bonus 6^th: RJ, don’t even think this garageband nonsense will get you anywhere!)

A friend of mine at a struggling company was asked if he was going to take early retirement. He just smirked and said:

No… :

Where would I get the positive feedback and development I get here?
How would I fill my time without emails and powerpoints?
I would become used to sanity and likely flip out when I ran across a crazy person.
My eyeballs would grow flabby without constant rolling motion.
Who would take on all the work that others leave when they are terminated or quit?
I would begin to have faith in my fellow humans – and we all know that’s just a recipe for a let down.
If I relaxed, I might like Christmas more. If I liked Christmas more, I might overspend. Then I’d have to find another job.
I don’t know if this place is crazy or just humorous. In case it is humorous, I don’t want to miss the show.
It’s an adventure. How many times will I be able to say I’ve been on a real sinking ship?
This place features an on-going skit about a group of people that are clueless and panicked, but try to look in control. It is hilarious.
This is where my friends are…or were before they left. I want to be here in case they come back.

Now that’s championship cynicism. And I love it!

True Darwin Awards – The Headlines You Just Can’t Make Up

Man dies launching fireworks off head

Texas alligator attack victim mocked animal before jumping in bayou.

Segway owner rides off cliff

Man dies from injuries received during anal sex with a stallion (What!? That’s Sick! Die Bastard, Die!)

A fisherman was killed by a beaver while attempting to grab the animal to have his picture taken with it. The beaver bit the man, severing a large artery in his leg

A man died after winning a cockroach eating contest. Cause of death was listed as accidental choking due to “arthropod body parts”.

And we almost died laughing at all of this. Who does this stuff? …And why is it bad they’re gone?

Our Little Book of Lists:

1. Worlds Worst Songs

Sometimes When We Touch Dan Hill Yuck. Makes me want to vomit All time worst of the worst

Stayin’ Alive Bee Gees Love their sixties stuff. This is just a betrayal.

Anything Barry Manilow BM aaaack! Sucks. Just sucks! Sacharine crap. Another vomit machine.

Any Rap Doesn’t Matter What’s the friggin’ point?

I Dig Rock and Roll Music PP&M Smarmy bastards. Not very subtle. Take your damn hammer and go away.

2. Some of the Bands We Love

Beatles Jethro Tull The Band Doors Chuck Berry

Rolling Stones Cheap Trick Led Zeppelin Grateful Dead Johnny Cash

The Who Jimi Hendrix Traveling Willburys Rod Stewart Grass Roots

BB King Muddy Waters Ray Charles Luther Alison Allman Brothers

Hank Williams Jimmy Rodgers Patsy Cline Flatt & Scruggs Bela Fleck

Cream Siegel-Schwall Band James Gang Ten Years After Kinks

Elvis Presley Roy Orbison Uriah Heap Eagles CSN & Y

(and Frank Sinatra, too)

…..And many many more

Top 10 reasons we could never be Mighty Mighty Rock Stars:

We are only mildly offensive.

We may be crazy, but perhaps not quite enough – nothing ever burns down at our gigs and no chickens are harmed.

We’re way out of synch with the times. Disco sucked. Rap sucks. Why don’t others notice?

We have not been convicted of any major crimes.

We do not have a reality show, or two, or three. And our families are not completely dysfunctional.

We have no goofy make up or costumes and don’t eat live animals…onstage, anyway.

We’re straight, employed and drug free. We’re the anti-rock stars.

Real mighty mighty rock stars are usually pretty good at this stuff – writing, playing, singing, burning down stages, and stuff like that.

Record companies send our demo’s back with the comment, “Learn to play, learn to sing, play something good, and, for God’s sake, don’t send anymore pictures. To anyone. Ever.”

Our latest rejection notice said, “If you send me anymore of this crap, I’ll call the cops, my lawyer and the humane society (cruelty to any animal within earshot)”.

My career options:

You want fries with that?

Hey! Buddy – got any spare change?

A buck a pound for scrap aluminum cans? I’m on it!

How much for a pint of blood? Will you take a quart?

Welcome to Walmart…

Playing music in the park for spare change. (On the other hand, maybe that wouldn’t be such a good idea – see picture below.)

WHIPLASH!!!! I need a lawyer!!!

Or , (the lowest form of life): On contingency? ..No problem, I can handle your case…

Just another day at the park

Typical conversation in our house:

Wife: Go get me that. It’s over there near the thing.

Husband dutifully tries his best.

Wife: Oh, you’re hopeless. I should have just gotten it myself.

(Face it: You’re Male. You’re married. You’re wrong.)

And so the invasion was harmless….perhaps

Sir! This is Advance Agent MG14@#B%8R XX reporting as requested sir.

What have you found Agent XX?

We have completed 2932 circuits of planet Earth, sir. We have detected a wide variety of life forms and identified their habitats.

Wonderful XX! We have an urgent message for this planet!
Have you identified the dominant life form?

Yes, sir! We have done an extensive analysis of all the life forms – domination by sheer numbers, domination by density, dominant coverage of the planet. I think we are certain of the dominant form.

What is it, XX?

It is grass, sir.

Excellent XX! Connect me to their leader!

So, now you know:

In America we have beautiful sunsets …. enlivened by open warfare on the streets

In France we have Women wearing furs ….walking dogs wearing skin (leather)

In Mexico we have an old men bending to pick up small coins on the sidewalk …and being saved from stray bullets wizzing overhead. In Mexico a coin on the sidewalk can be a really good luck charm.

In Korea we have cute rabbits, hamsters and kitty cats …. often in a white wine sauce

In North Korea we have rats (and no sauce) … We have staring contests with them. Winner eats the other one

In Canada we have the promise of bear meat for dinner ….. where the bear will have a fighting chance

In Russia we laugh more these days ….With Ubermench Putin, who needs comic strips?

In China we are feeling like a superpower again …Now if we can only find some cheap labor

In England we are happy reliving our past …. It’s all we have, actually.

In Canada we are waiting for Quebec to secede ….So, how does America feel about 10 or 11 new states?

In America we have some secession movements too …So how does Canada feel about 10 or 11 new provinces?

In America there is talk about splitting California into 2 states – north and south ….Many of us would prefer east and submerged

Or, creative ways to get dinner:

Waitress, could you move that chair – it blocks my view of the door. Or, alternatively – Well, I hate to just eat and run..

Oooooo! Look at this one! If you just scrape some of this other junk off, I think it might be edible!

Excuse me. Are you going to eat all of that?

Grass, weeds and bushes – a never ending salad bar.

Racing cockroaches – loser is dinner.

Sir, do you know for certain that food has not been poisoned? Ohhh Sir! For a very small fee I will taste it first!

Dumpsters. Outside restaurants. Need I say more?

Excuse me – got a quarter? Got a quarter? Hey! How ’bout a dime? A nickel?

A small investment in a reusable rat trap can pay long term dividends

Here kitty kitty kitty! Here kitty kitty!

4 horsemen of the apocalypse …And their horses

Kim Junk the UNcola (destructive) Kim Kardasdardly (worthless)

Vlad the Putin (put your damn shirt on) Camilla the Wonderhorse (phhbbbbbb)

Just a Bieber (king dork) Smiley Cydways (queen dork)

Donny the Rump (politics as a game-show) Cratelyn Jenderbender (kept her maiden name)

IT IS UPON US!!!

The Dunce Awards for Dubious Achievement

Award “Winner” Acceptance speech:

Best imitation of an angry black person: Rachel Dolezal Just because you’re from the hood doesn’t make you black enough.

Best imitation of an angry white person: Donald Trump I could kill you. You’d still vote for me. Let me prove it!

Best imitation of a blood sucking vampire Vladimir Putin In Soviet Union… er, I mean Russia, we not amused by these award.

Worst imitation of a rock star: Justin Bieber F this man, I mean just f this. Just gimme the f’ing award and f off.

Best imitation of a woman: Richard Simmons Oh, joy! Common girls, now jump up and clap with me!

Runner Up: Justin Bieber F this man, I mean just f this. Just gimme the f’ing award and f off.

Least convincing imitation of femininity: Big Cait Jenner Boy, I hope I don’t get bored with this

Worst imitation of useful people: The Kardashians. What do we do of any value, you ask? Check our bank accounts!

Runner Up: Paris Hilton Oh, mummy! If there’s a party, can I charge them a fee to attend?

2nd runner up (loser of the Losers): US Congress We will schedule hearings on this award…after the election.

Worst imitation of a Presidential candidate: 20-way tie No winners. Not even the voters. OMG! Can we have a do-over?

Best source of lift for hot air ballooning: Donald Trump I am the greatest to ever bless this earth.

Runner Up: Bernie Sanders Free everything for everyone! We’ll just add taxes.

Greatest waste of good rock riffs: Just Another Garageband Ummm, can we keep this quiet?”

There just wasn’t space on the left side to accurately place the TSA.

For The Need of A Receipt

I was talking to myself the other day, getting some expert advice,

when up struts a man wanting a donation for his very worthy cause.

You have a cause I asked?

Indeed, I do, he replied. And a very worthy one too.

So I understand. And that cause would be what, I asked?

A cause for alarm he replied.

That sounds serious, I said.

It is alarming he said.

Your cause is causing you alarm? What can I do?

Do what you should do best – do drop some coins in my open hands.

That I can do, I said. But I must have a receipt.

Oh, he said. That I cannot do. If I must produce receipts for donations, the donations will be spent producing receipts.

Sounds suspicious, I said.

Oh, it really, truly is, he replied.

And what would that leave you with?

Nothing, he replied

And so if we stop right here and do nothing, we are as far ahead as if we did it all, I remarked.

Sadly, yes, He replied. Sadly, yes

And he turned. And he walked away.

And I smiled, knowing at least he had not wasted his money on the receipts.

Notice

New Office Rules

In order to promote a happy, productive workplace, the following rules are effective immediately:

Hours: We expect all salaried employees to occupy their designated spaces between 7am and 6pm Monday through Friday. If that is not convenient for you, please alert HR so they can schedule an outplacement discussion with you.
Work space: For your convenience, we have reserved a seat for each of our employees in one of our convenient and compact cubicles. Should you arrive at the office to find your seat missing, you should interpret it as an important clue.
Break time: Also known as recess – is reserved for elementary school. The company believes it has hired adults, thus recess is no longer needed.
Personal days: These are commonly known as weekends. Please plan accordingly.
Sick days: A doctor’s note will no longer be accepted. If you are well enough to visit the doctor, you are well enough to come to work.
Bereavement leave: Face it, they’re gone. You cannot do anything for them now. But you can help your coworkers. Attendance at funerals should be left to unemployed relatives or acquaintances. If you absolutely must attend, please obtain HR approval at least 4 week prior.
Maternity leave: Congratulations! You did it! But, we heard that it used to be common in Eastern Europe for women to give birth in the fields and just keep working. So please keep it short and come back to help your coworkers who are pulling your weight during your absence.
Paternity leave: Congratulations on the new arrival! However, you had your fun and didn’t do anything beyond that for the birth, so you don’t need time off to rest from doing nothing. We expect to see your cheery face in it’s usual seat at the usual times.
Bathroom usage: We have noticed much time being spent in the restrooms lately. To minimize unproductive time, a time limit of 5 minutes maximum will be enforced. If you exceed this limit, a timer will go off and the stall door will automatically open. Further abuses will be dealt with by sounding an alarm, opening the stall door, and immediately taking and publishing a picture of the offender on the company intranet site.
Cubicles: Cubicles are company property. Please do not deface them with decoration or other personal items. You would not want management coming into your home and pinning our pictures to your walls.

Thank you for your compliance. These simple rules will make our workplace more efficient and are in your own best interest – they will help to maintain your continued employment. Enjoy your day!

Thank you.

The Management

The rational man attempts to adapt himself to his world

The irrational man attempts to adapt his world to himself

Therefore, all progress comes from the irrational man

Hmmmm, that all seems rational. But…does it mean all progress is irrational?

……Sane as the rest of us……Sane as the rest of us……Sane as the rest of us……Sane as the rest of us……